A year and two months ago was the worst day of my life yes the worst day or i can say nothing was as bad as That day was at that point of time for me. suddenly i came to know that the person i was with from last so many years is no more with me and my son. His death was sudden and unexpected; i was swallowed in the deep fog of grief, what i was thinking was null; An emptiness was filled into my heart my mind and into my whole body; for whole year that emptiness constricts my ability to think or even breath; i was thinking that why am i alive; how can i even breath without my husband; i should die. I learnt about the depth or sadness and brutality of loss.
But at the same time i also learned that when life sucks you under; you can kick against the bottom and find the surface to breath again. i learned that when things seems to be void or null and life gives you challenges and throw you down deep; you can choose not to fall and vanish but the joy and meaning, you may almost face more and deeper misfortune. Their can be a loss of opportunity or a job that doesn’t work out; the illness or crime which may change everything in an instant or their may be loss of dignity, loss of love or a broken relationship that can’t be repaired and sometimes there is a LOSS OF LIFE itself.
What i learned from my worst experience and want to share here today is what to do next? About the things one can do to overcome a misfortune no matter when it hits you or how badly it hits. The easy days ahead you will be easy. It is the hard days the days which challenge you to your very core that will determine who you are. we all are determined not only by what we have achieved but also by how we survived.
After my husband’s death i was unable to overcome the loss and was asking god that why me why he chooses me to give this punishment; why me and because of excessive thinking i have to undergone a treatment, and i went to a psychologist who was a friend also. One day when i was crying upon my situation in-front of him; he suggested me to think that how much worse things could be. WORSE? I said to him. “Are you mad or crazy? How could things can be worse?” He looked at me and said: – Your husband could have had the same brain attack while driving you and your son just few minutes before he actually had it. The minute he said it i felt overwhelming GRATITUDE; that my son and i are alive and that gratitude overtook some of the grief.
A year and two and a half month ago he had 15 days left and we had no idea…. and then through tears in my eyes i asked myself how we would live if we knew we had 15 days left. Can you ask yourselves to live as if you have 15 days left? I mean live with the understanding of how precious every day would be because that’s how precious every day actually is.
Today i am here a year and a two moths and 8 days after the very worst day of my life. The worst day i can imagine and two things are true at this point. I have a huge reservoir of sadness it is with me always. it is right here where i can touch it; i never knew i could cry so often or so much.
But for the first time i am grateful for each breath in and out. i am grateful for the gift of life itself. It is the greatest irony of my life that losing my husband helped me find deeper gratitude. Gratitude for the kindness of my friends and the love of my family and a laughter of my son.
As the saying is:-“We are vulnerable than we ever thought but we are stronger than we ever imagined”
My hope for all of the people who are reading this is that you find that gratitude not just on the easy day like today, but on the hard days when you will need it. When tragedy strike; know that you have deep within you the ability to get through anything, and anything here mean anything.
I PROMISE YOU DO.